AM I CONFUSED??????

I dont have any idea why my thoughts are looking for words which I am unable to gather.

I am happy still I feel something is terribly wrong.. may be I need to do certain things... may be I need to leave everything and run away to a far away land and hibernate.

I feel lucky to have whatever I have... my people.. my family... a job to earn Money.... but.. still I feel my life is not going in a direction I want it to be...

I don't know what's different.. I am back to square one from where I started but I terribly miss certain people in my life..

I know I am god's favorite girl and whatever happens in my life is for my good.. but it's killing me... I wish I could have certain people back...

For me.. I feel everything feels alright when I am with my loved ones... no matter difficult life is... I carry on without regrets.. and in all this sometimes I go helpless.. no matter how strong I pretend to be.

I do have my family and friends but... then... I miss certain people from past... I miss the girl I used to be with them... totally stupid, immature, childish.. and still loved..

When I had a tough time.. it never looked difficult... and today I have a good job... happy life and it all looks incomplete...

I hate writing things which are not happy... and worst thing today is I find it very difficult to even write anything...

There are days when I feel happy.. genuinely happy but I can't express it to anybody.. or sad for that matter... I force myself to sleep.. but I can't write...

Some days.. I just go blank and depressed for no good reason... I keep asking myself what's wrong with me! And I don't get an answer.

Once I prayed to be numb and emotionless... God gifted me that too and today that numbness is killing me because it's not me... :-(

I feel it's not just my people I miss but I miss myself too.. may be I can't be what I was with them with anyone else...

Something died in me over all these months and I am not liking it anymore...

God, please give my people back... life looks so impossible and hollow without them... enough it is... I know I am stupid and idiot but I promise I'll try my best to improve...

Please... :-(

P.S.- please don't leave any comments on this.