🙍🏼Examinations

As I continue to learn more about myself, I find myself examining so many aspects of my life. There are so many questions that I keep asking myself.

1. Why is it so hard for us to put all of our eggs in one basket when it comes to matters of the heart?

2. Is it okay to not know what you want?

3. Why do we hold out for someone even if we know that person probably will hurt us?

4. Will I ever love someone the way I loved him/her?

5. Is there such thing as forever?

As we find ourselves in the world of being single, we start to wonder, do we hang on to hope of re-kindling something with our ex, or do we move on to someone new? I have been very guilty of moving on way too slow when it comes to the next relationship. For the first time ever though, I find myself wanting to be alone and enjoy those moments to myself. It is so empowering to just be you, to be alone with your thoughts.  Those thoughts can be a problem though, I find myself re-living all my past mistakes and understanding my flaws much better. Perhaps, this is harder for me, and others who are still in a bit of limbo with their ex.  He was my best friend after all, and the only person that I felt most comfortable with.

The journey gets complicated even more as we enjoy our lives, meet more people. We are humans after all, and a lot of us still have this idea of a "soulmate," so yes, we still very much love our person. But we begin to start a journey that does not evolve that person.  For me, I wonder if we are beginning to grow apart. The sad truth is, most of us do grow apart. Think about it, you spend so much of your life with someone, and that bam, one day, you have no idea who that person is anymore. The hard thing is, if you do not know if that is what you want.

Thus, posing the question if it is okay to not know what we want? How long is it okay to not know what you want? Not knowing is the hardest part, but I guess all you can do is just build your life. With the idea that you will be the captain and co-captain. No one should complete you, they should just be a cherry on top.  Yet, we still want that soulmate to share our adventures with.

Third, holding on to someone that is probably going to hurt us. Why do we do this? People who are unemotionally unavailable are magnets to others.  It's as if we have a desire to fix the person. Or perhaps, the hope that we will be enough for that person to see that  we are all they need. You can be honest and tell someone you can't give them what they need, and yet they still hold out for you. This is the beauty of the human race. We do always want the happy ending, we do want our lives to be like the movies. We all know the story, guy meets girl who is in love with someone else. Girl realizes that guy is actually the one for her, not the other dude. But does this really happen in real life?  If it does, it doesn't happen overnight. It is a long, painful, chaotic journey. It rips your heart out. But if it last, then it has to be forever right?

I find myself stuck on the question of whether or not I will love someone as much as I did him.  Sounds a bit selfish, and probably not fair to anyone. This is something I wonder, will I ever feel the way I did about him about anyone else? Will they awaken my soul and satisfy my needs? I can't even give an insightful answer to this, because I have no idea. This is the hardest question.

Last, is there such thing as forever? Forever is such a long time, and in the world we live in now, does forever even exist? We upgrade our phones, cars, and clothes as soon as possible. It's in us to get the next best thing. So do we do that with our hearts, do we have the ability to commit to forever?

Maybe I will never be able to answer all of these questions, but I do know that time heals all wounds. As cheesy as it sounds, everything happens in your life for a reason. So breathe it in, accept it. Go with the flow and love yourself first. Always remember who you are and what makes you, well you. It's a hard journey, and you can only lean on yourself forever.