""BEHIND THE SMILE""

I have been wrestling with myself about writing this post. 

The journey to who I have become is not a rainbow and butterflies type of story. I am not celebrity. I am just a simple girl, from a simple town. Ultimately, I finally decided to write this post  because I want to encourage open dialogue on depression, anxiety, and suicide. 

Depression, Anxiety, and Suicide do not discriminate. They do not care how much money you have, how many friends you have, or how supportive your family is. Perception is a funny thing. Robin Williams was the funny guy, Never to think that he himself was fighting a harder battle behind the smile. September marks National Suicide Prevention Month, and with my experiences of the past year, I have decided to finally open up about one of my biggest battles. The hardest battle we have is the one with ourselves.

Growing up, I wanted to make sure I did everything right and was the perfect child. I barely drank and kept to myself. I was made fun of throughout middle and high school, because of how I carried myself and I was called terrible names. High school was brutal. Throughout those four years, I dreaded going to school, because I only saw myself as a waste. My depression and anxiety really started setting in around age 14. Self esteem  was a foreign concept to me, until a year ago.

At age 17, I started dating my first boyfriend. Things seemed great, until the first time he hit me. I can still remember the exact moment and place we were. When he reached over and gave me a fat lip. Many of you are gasping behind your computers thinking, how could she stand for that? I continued the relationship for almost 2 years. A relationship where I was abused, both physically and mentally. I felt isolated, like I deserved it, and it was my fault that he did what he did to me. 

I prepared myself for failure in every aspect of my life, refusing to let anyone in to know the real me. I have had two relationships since my first boyfriend, and I never let either of them completely in. My thought process was to not let them in all the way, because they would only be around until they found someone much better then I was. I was nothing, I mattered to no one, so why would I get my hopes up? 

My passions and desires have always been in the mountains, but again, I was not good enough. How could someone like me do anything amazing? I was only a weak person who could not do anything. The only control I ever had was knowing that I was not good enough.

I struggle to describe the depression and anxiety that consumed me. The shame that I felt for being me. I have hurt myself, starved myself, and have had thoughts that maybe life would be better for everyone if I was not around. No one on the outside would ever know that I struggled with this, not even those who "knew" me. Depression is a bitch, because no one can understand it if they are not you. It consumes you, it is exhausting, and draining. Getting through the day is a feat in itself.

Finally, after losing what I thought was the most important thing in my life, I decided I could no longer walk the path I was on. Yes, I got a therapist,but two months later, I went on my first real hike in My hometown. I was hooked. There could be no excuses on why I could not do it. Spending most of my teenage years dreaming of adventure, all the emotion and love for adventure came back to me. It took over my being. 

Since now I'm in Delhi, the most important thing about being outside is it forced me to look at myself. Every strength and flaw could not be hidden. I had to face who I was head on, nothing gets you thinking like being challenged and surrounded by people. 

Missing Mountain tops, Dikrong river, and slabs of rock have become my therapy those days. Nothing has provided me with better self-reflection. I have time to remember what is important, because there is a moment, when you realize how small you are and how little your problems are. Not a lot of experiences can set you straight like that. Sure, I have failed with attempts, but to me, they are not failures. They are experiences that I needed in order to be a better me now.

It was not until I stood on top of Mountain. When it all came full circle and I realized how the mountains have changed me. Everything took over all at once, the tears and emotion.  My life is worth something. I am worth something. There is no longer a need to self-hate, but instead love myself. Not everyone gets it, and that is okay with me. My heart is finally full, and I do not need someone to validate my existence. When I feel myself getting stressed or worked up, I retreat to the mountains. I come back revitalized and at peace.

My desire is no longer to find myself behind a desk, working or studying 9-5 hours, but instead to follow my passion. Life is meant for living, not for having a bunch of money and having a bunch of stuff. It's about living the life you want to live. You should wake up every day and know that you are worth something. 

Not every day has been perfect, but it has been a journey I would not trade in. The journey made me love myself and find what I love. When you figure that out, all the fake people fade away, and everyone that is meant to be in your life will love you regardless of the flaws. Also, for those struggling, I encourage you to seek help without shame.

I am not afraid to talk about my feelings anymore to those close to me. I have opened myself up to those who are close to me, let them in. They see me for me and it's a pretty amazing thing. It makes me sad to think that there are so many others out there like me fighting their inner battles. Society brands those with depression and anxiety as "weak" and "weird". No one is perfect, and there is no need for anyone to be ashamed of their journey. You have to fight like hell to get out of the darkness. I have my battles here and there, but am blessed to finally say I love myself. Behind my smile, is a girl who is truly with no apologies, happy. I do not allow toxic people in my life anymore.

Maybe we can all start practicing awareness to those in our lives. It sounds cliche, but you really never know who is fighting a harder battle. It's amazing what a kind word or coffee date can do for someone in their darkest moments. These battles don't make us weak, they make us beautiful.