Beautifully Broken

Who am I? 

I feel like I find myself pondering this question every couple of months. I am no one great, I have no special talent, and have not done anything to impact any real change on society. Life comes at you fast, and that is where we find ourselves worrying. We are constantly trying to prove ourselves to our parents, to our friends, and to ourselves. Our minds go crazy with our thoughts of self-doubt and worry. When we lose a lover, our heart breaks, we start to question what is wrong with us, what we did to make the relationship fail. Then, we find ourselves running, running from the reality of our problems. Acceptance, our we all not constantly running from it?

Try as you may, you cannot escape your feelings, your past, or  your current experience. There is no pause button on life, you can't just lay in bed all day and think that everything will be fine. At some point, you have to force yourself into acceptance, because after we face acceptance, than we can start to push forward, grow, and learn. Once you find yourself in a good spot, there will be more challenges, and that is where you have to continue to focus on acceptance.

Do what you love, even when your heart is breaking, the anxiety is getting out of control, or you feel that the depression is eating you alive. Always focus on what you love, even if you are hurting. It is toxic and unfair to your one precious life to give up on yourself and what you love. There will be a mind battle, yes. But pushing through it will make you even stronger than you were before.

I will never lie or hide my own personal struggles with anxiety and depression. They do not just go away, you do not wake up one day and say, "Hey, I am healed."  All I can do is hope to help others with sharing my story along the way.  I will continue to sound like a broken record, but it is finding what I loved that has really helped me.

It is the relationship that I have with climbing that has really changed my perspective. Although, I am still new. Nothing has helped me see things more clearly. Rock climbing to me is an art form, it is beautiful when you see someone who loves it, moves with grace, and is not afraid to fall. They just keep pushing. Rock climbing is a very mental sport, you have to get out of your head. This past month, I have really struggled with "getting out of my head." A very very close friend of mine(Jeet) once told me, if you do not say or think you are going to fall, you won't.(Jeet if you are reading this blog than I would like to say thank you for this beautiful words when we where sitting near riverside with Amna🤘🏻😜. We 3 girls rocks✌🏻️😈). Thus far, this proves to be the truth. Kind of weird how that all works, positive vibes can go a long way. And perhaps, the belief in yourself can go a long way. Challenging yourself, and failing to get to the top is crushing, and over the past month, I feel that I have seen more of the failure than the success.

Is it really failure? No. Did I learn something? Yes, That is when you have to get out of your thought process and stop that worry and toxic thoughts. I do not climb for anyone else but me. It gets hard to remember that when I climb with some pretty strong climbers. There is that little voice inside that says, now they won't want to climb with me, I am below them. Honestly, if they do not want to climb with me because I am new, they are assholes. They were not eating 5.12s for breakfast when they started.

I try not to get caught up on grades either. I climb because I love it, sure, lots of people can muscle through a 4.9. But, to me, I want to make climbing that 5. look elegant, not like the struggle bus express. Pushing my limits has been a little rough, I still need to get use to falling. Now, I have thrown in leading trad and sport, which means I am due to take my first whipper. Nerve racking to someone who has not falling much on top rope, but that is where the little world, acceptance, comes into play. I have to accept that I am going to fall, I have to accept that I am going to be okay. What is a real fear and what is a fear that is coming from my mind.

Very much like everyday life. Our thoughts, they can drive us mad. Since I started climbing, I have started using my climbing logic. What is a fear that I am creating with my mind? What is an actual real fear? Climbing has caused me to take into account the bigger picture of life. What is it that I really need to be happy? You got to let the negativity out of your mind and ACCEPT that everything will not always be in your control. Negative thoughts, lead to negative outcomes. Positive thoughts, lead to positive outcomes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds like some hippy shit. Trust me, it really works. Life gets shitty, you can either let the negative engulf you or choose to say YOLO and move forward. Reset your mind, weather it be taking extra time to climb, hike, go to yoga, or run. Do what makes you feel good. Do not say things out of emotion, sometimes it's best to take some time, step away from the situation, and do what you love. Return the situation after you have spent some time working on your relationship with yourself. When you are out of whack, you usually make really poor choices. Choices that cause you to say, why the fuck did I say/do that? A lot like climbing, when you panic, you make mistakes. I have gone home a few times in the past few weeks and thought, why the heck did I panic and let that get the best of me? (In this Blog, Climbing rocks or climb referring my career and works)

Nobody is perfect. Everyone is beautifully broken. You cannot make people love you, you cannot let others control your emotions, and you are stronger than you think you are. Best advice, do what you love, focus on the relationship with yourself, and take time to reset when things get a little crazy and you feel like you can't get a break from the trials of life.

Hey, music is pretty rad too. I love blogging, but music would be my second escape. It is always okay, to take time to feel things. Turn on  whatever your jam is, and feel something. If you need to cry, cry it out. If you need to be angry, feel being angry. If you want to dance, dance it out, or as I would do, twerk it out. Nothing to be ashamed of, embrace the moment, embrace your life. It is okay.

Until the next adventure.