My biggest fear.

I am an introvert. And I am very comfortable with the fact.

I rarely express, even if I really want to I can’t, I can’t open up easily. Sometimes, I find it really hard to say a “Hi” forget about initiating a conversation with people on my own. And honestly, I have tried changing it but I failed miserably.

I have my people with whom I can talk for hours but not with everyone.

Even though I am courageous, strong and blah blah I have fears and they are as deep as my strengths.

I don’t really know if it’s a blessing or a curse to be emotionally vulnerable and feel everything with a very high intensity. Whether I am happy or excited or grateful or sad. I feel everything intensely. And, I love these feelings till the time they are positive but when negativity rules.

I have very few close friends and I deeply feel for them, they are like my family and I can’t see them in pain. We have been together through very bad times and I am really proud of it. They believed in me when I gave up on myself!

But, being vulnerable is a curse and is badly bothering me because I develop feelings for people who are not even my friends but are good at heart and I can’t see them in destructive phase. I am stupid I know. I shouldn’t be thinking about it at all, but, yes, I am really stupid and I can’t stop thinking.

I am scared of liars and manipulative people and from my experience I have learned I can’t deal with them, so, now, I don’t think over it. Whenever I realize someone is just talking negative about other people or lying or being manipulative I simply cut myself and stop talking to and about that person. May be that’s my defense mechanism.

I am highly anxious right now and something is killing me deeply each day, every moment and I can’t talk about it.